so you find you self gasping for air. your body slowly going into shock; muscles panic and your heart races, urging your body to reply and save its host. then you lock down. overcoming all the panic, you force your mind to slow down your body. the eye of the storm. slow down that heart rate and relax your muscles. each second ticks away and that is another second without air. lips begin to quiver and you can no longer hold your breath, but you still force yourself to stay. more seconds tick away...and then a sudden release of air bubbles, then all hell breaks lose. you know you only have a few more seconds before its over. body goes into complete shock, everything tightens up and you finally give up. flirting with that thin line. flirting with death. you rise above it all and recover. an endorphin rush overcomes your body and everything is just num. its like you just reseted you body and your brain. a few minutes pass by until you can fully control your body correctly again. eyes refusing to open and when they do, nothing but a blurr. the worst has passed. endorphins continue to circulate through out your body and theres nothing but silence. the end.

well that was just a bunch of randomness, but interpet how you'd like. i like this..i think im always gonna start with a random story that has a meaning behind it, well relative to the title of the blog. well i havent blogged in ages, so much has happened since..september something..i dont even remember what i wrote, i just remember the title being behind high walls. okay i got an idea now lol. im not sure how i feel about everything. i think i could be doing so much more with my life. i needa get out there and find a cure for cancer or something. do something meaningful i guess. i think im old enough to make a difference so i better get to making.

no more tm, honoestly now that ive had time away from it, i think im better off. although i do envy them sometimes, i wish i could still do it, but i can honestly say that its just not in my heart to dance competatively anymore. dont have the time or energy to be able to have all these rehearsals. or maybe i just wont allow myself. who knows. i feel like i really shut it down over the summer. that has to be it. im burnt out from 6 stright years of dancing. year round, no break. cause i even surprise myself sometimes to see how much i still got it. its all mental i guess. shurgs.

juniors have been cool, it started out too good to be true. and right now its the too good to be true part. not going to rehearsal wednesday gave me a really good perspective on things. towards the begining i was really thinking about just going but then 645ish came rolling around and i was slowly getting over it, i just found myself stalling and finding things to do until 9 came so i can go to the studio without seeing anyone but jed's reh. its not so bad, life without juniors. i'd def have alot more free time. alot less stress. but i have alotta big plans. alotta things i still want to do with this team before i part ways. theres a big checklist i need to accomplish this year and if i can, i can truely be satisfied with myself. so if youre a juniors and youre reading this, then fucking help me get there damnit. i joke and kid about this but i would def like a contract extension for another year hahah and danny should offer me one soon. im joking, im not really that imporant someone else could do my job. but im still looking for a reason to come back next year. so far i have 1 and its been this for too long maybe... but maybe its time to give the mike dang era a rest and let the rise of a new dynasty take over..lets see how the rest of this year goes.

school is kindda lame but it passes time. i just go to keep my parents off my ass. im only 7 units away from graduating. wow..iono what to do with my life. hahah and there are no jobs out there. so right now im just fixing all my c's and turning them into A's so ima have an easier time with grad school. i love financial aid. work is pretty chill. its the same damn shit everytime i come in. but its hella easy and good office experience. i really wish they'd give me more hours again, but then again i like going out so i dont really commit or sleep in alot. cause my sleeping pattern is sooo fucked up. i sleep at like 4-430 wake up at 730-8 depending on school or work. making it very difficult to function. but take pride in knowing that i get through my days on oure will and mental toughness. i should really take it easier on myself. but who listens to their own advice?

so i end this blog with....its okay to dream big, its okay to chase the impossible. find that one thing you want and fight for it whole heartedly. when you do this you can truely live with no regrets.
(i must admit...this is truely irrational sometimes and just plain out being stubborn. so use some sensibilty. but im guilty of all the above but thats how i choose to live my life.)

So I don't understand why my phone won't let me sign on to aim but I still have internet. Weird. So I guess I should use this time to update my blog. I don't even know where to begin. Si came and went. Auditions came and gone also. It is sad and weird. To be on both sides. Its just been a difficult september. I've recently been making an effort to change things in my life. Fix things to make myself stronger. Thus behind high walls. I don't think my walls have been ever higher. I don't like how some people bring out the wrost in me, so cut. People who are my weakness, cut. People I can rely on or just need me when they need something. Peace. Quite drastic and bold. I don't really have a good reason either, but there's no turning back now and its too late to second guess myself. I've chosen my path and ill follow it. But its really interesting to see who's left after I made my cuts in my life. Make you really wonder about things. I came across a great quote today. "You'll never know how strong you are...until being strong is the only choice you have." I have to be strong. It was a great pick me up. I guess that's all I really have to say. I don't wanna really share anything else.

Soo I just wanted to share a few dreams I've had the past couple of nights. Haha

The other night I dremt that I was still back in vegas and had limo service around the strip we got out to walk somewhere we as in hhi group and just chilled and..I ordered wynn buffet again... ::drools::and then I woke up before I got to eat...what a tease.

So thenn last night..had 2 dreams. 1st one...I remember just driving around some where..it was like la-ish...but def not la. I was like outta state but it looked like a very urban, ghetto area. And then I was taking like some small backstreet and there was a guy on the road and pulls a gun on me..I was like..oh shit..my bad...hands in the air...and then he let me go..and I made a right turn..and then I saw him meet up with some girl in red..and then I took some detur and ended up at some youth center...accross the street from where the guy and the girl had their guns..and I was like omg..you guys needa call the police and shut the doors there crazy people over there...and then something happened across the street like cops or somethong came then there was a shoot out. And everyone was like hit the floor!! Ahh. Then it wasover and the cops won. Btw..the cops were like in suits and cool hats like old school days. 007-ish type senerio. Anyways..then when all the smoke clear everyone was cool, for some reason I offered to teach those kids there a dance routine. Blah blah blah it was random and unlike me to do that but hey..it was cool and I was trying to select a song and yeah..the end

Ooo almost forgot the 2nd one while writing about the first. I was like a contestant on one of those finding love shows..it was like some blonde chick that we're trying to win over. It waslike this crazy house..and we hadda swim to get to a certain part of the house. And yeahh it was whatevs...didn't seem like I was trying really hard to win her over but I remember hardly ever seeing her and most of the time I was exploring the crazy house. And then I remember discussing something with another contestant that something happened to her brother like her od-ed partying but he survived. And yeah I woke up right when we all gathered and a challenge was about to be announced.

Weird and random dreams...fun times. Okay bye

"Remain high-spirited, even in the face of adversity. When you give in to the darkness it's harder to find the light. You are the master of your own destiny, so start acting like it."

this was a good pick me up. unexpected horoscope. okay bye people. must go find that light.

really? that long ago since i last blogged? pretty crazy. july 16th...feel like i was a completely different person then..i honestly dont even recall what was actually going on at the time and i def feel so different now. i think its the first time i've really ever felt this way. i feel so...human. i always try to hold myself so high, live like im invisible and nothing can hurt me. living that way has definately taken its toll on me and definately catching up to me. although, strangely it feels comforting. knowing i cant do it all, and cant ignore certain pains or sorrow. im not so super after all and it feels great. i dunno, if youre reading this..it might not really make sense, and i dont know how i can explain this for you to understand. i think the only way you could really understand it is to experience it for yourself.

for months now i felt like ive been carrying the weight of the world on my weary shoulders. nothing wrong with this. i wanted to consume myself with my work. why wouldnt you want to consume yourself within you own life. its really given me a chance to really break myself down and test my limits. great things to know pushing forward. i've really seen how bratty i can be, how i want things to be my way and work out the way i planned it. but life happens and we all know nothing ever really works out the way you want it to. im too proud to ask for help. it goes back to me feeling i can do anything. i mean..dont get me wrong, there's nothing with being independent. but it can only get you so far. at least for me, kudos to those who can carry themselves on their own but for me, it doesnt work that way. i need people. i need someone to lean on. i need to know someones there for me. knowing that there is a safety net there to catch when i take risks in my life makes the world of a difference. its the people that make me feel safe and wanted that keep me going. i think deep down inside everyone in this world wants that. we ALL have those people in our lives whether we realize it or not. well back to my point, i've tried to live without those type of people in my life. i havent gotten really far without them but at this moment in my life, i need to continue to push through each day without them. but i welcome the day i can let people back into my life. only time will really tell.

i can also really be too overly prepared. so focused on the next step, trying to stay ahead of the game; i never really got the chance to live in the moment. i never really allowed myself to be happy or sad this year. losing wod/winning k12. it was all the same feeling to me. thinking vibe was my last performance..only to return for body rock. not being able to graduate this year and having to wait til next year. going back to the same 9-5, losing friends/gaining a few new ones. normal people react to these things. yes i did let myself live at vibe, but everything else...nothing. i hid behind my work and the next step to feel anything. or if i do feel, i only let myself feel what i want to feel. i can get caught up living in a fantasy rather than reality. get caught up in what i wish could be than what is. these are all things im trying to fix about myself.

My horoscope for today was as follows:
"You want to let absolutely everyone know how happy you are and why. Start by getting permission from whoever is party to the other half of your joyous news. Once you get the okay, tell your friends, family, coworkers and anyone you make pleasant eye contact with on the train. Then pull out your address book from college. The only thing better than being happy is telling the entire world all about why."

do you think there is happiness in sorrow? i dont know why my mind started wandering and thought about that question. and i came up with the answer of YES. happiness can be found in sorrow and sadness. a clear example is..im sad that this season is coming to an end but i find happiness in that. happiness that it came together, that it marks a chapter in my life and that chapter is coming to an end so a new one can begin. this is be applied in almost any situation. i think its the lessons learned from the sadness that makes me happy. you get your car stolen, its fuckin sad as hell, but that means you have to get a new car, find another job to find money for the car and who knows who you might meet or what opportunities can arrise from the new job you might not otherwise get. a break up, sadd as hell, yes. but you take what you learned from that relationship and apply it to yourself so you can find happiness in the next. when one door closed another opens. i really do believe that. i just dont always see it. i (we) sometimes get too caught up in walking forward in life backwards fixated on the closed door behind us, rather than deciding what door to take next.

i admit i make this mistake too. i am currently making this mistake. but i think im at a point in my life where i cant afford to take another major fall especially with the situation i put myself in. but im actually just taking my time with my life. im in too much of a hurry to drow up and move on to the next chatper of my life when there are still so many things around me that i can learn from to make the next chapter the best chapter. well..i dont think there will ever be a greater chapter in ones life when you have your first born. but whatever my next chapter may be its going to come a close 2nd. i wonder if i rambled on for too long about..NOTHING hahahajust all ideas and interpertaions but they're mine so its important to me. i guess this is a peek into my heart, my mind, my soul. i mean these things have been on my mind and for the first time i actually had the words for them. to explain the feelings and thoughts that make me, me. i really wanted to say all this because ive been feelings so robotic. each day i started to feel less and less human. there is this weak side of me that i dont show or no one knows about or fails to understand, but this just really opens me up to be voulnerable which sometimes we all need to be a little bit.  if you think im crazy cause of this post, thats cool too, i might just be. but im really just trying to find me cause im really lost.

anyways..enough of that..hhi was fun. i really let myself go out there and really acted my age for once. tma nd juniors season is coming to an end...im not really sure how i feel about any of that. its just a mixture of many things and many things, many people are being taken into account for this. couple weeks til si showcase, and i have a bazillion things to accomplish before then, but i believe in me. ill manage somehow. somehow someway i always seem to find a way. school is starting soon. i missed it. im starting to feel pretty dumb and my mind has extra time to think about shit like the above. hahah! i dunno what else to say...ive emptied out everything ive wanted to share to the world. doesnt mean i dont have more...haha but this is all i wanna share. so til the next time i post something. heres to the dark yesterdays, a brighter tomorrow,  and a beautiful today. 

 

"The stars are telling you to accept gracefully the things you can't change, to have the courage to change the things you can, and to develop the ability to tell the difference. It's understandable that this can all seem a little bit confusing, especially at first. After all, that's a pretty tall cosmic order to fill. Fortunately, however, you have the wisdom and perceptiveness to see it through, and then some."

That is my horoscope for today. And yeahh...it came with perfect timing. That could be that stubborn side of me. Not willing to give up. I really should learn to pick my battles more wisely. Ehhh can't blame me, I just gave alotta hope. But its true. I can't change everything and it is about time to accept it. So I throw in the towel and raise the white flag. You win. Its just not meant to be. The end. How sad.

Anyways, HHI is stressful but have high hopes. We can do this, just gotta buckle down and I needa step up some more. Juniors is going alright. Everyone had a very impressive casting. I'm kindda nervous on how the show will turn out because I'm on a decline right and having trouble pulling myself out, but ill find a way. Looking back, this year has been a surprise even to myself. I'm not too content because I wish we won wod, and I'd call it a good year. But 1 win is good enough I guess. But its heartbreaking to set a goal and not accomplish them. Leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Also there were many speed bumps along the way and in all honesty I think it'll forever taint my 1st year. Ill always look back and goo man what a year won k12 yes...but damn wod....damn..those speed bumps. Hahaha tiff. She gets a shout out. I wanted to say. "You're just a speed bump and I need to hurry and get over you." her counter arguement is "yea but the speed bumps forces u to take ur time and caution so u don't hurt your body" alright..I give you that one. But I still needa get through the speed bumps.

So I was kindda nervous for me exit interview yday. But I'm glad it went well. I knew it! Is all I have to say. I knew I had doubters. I wasn't tripping and over thinking it. On one end I'm glad I proved everyone wrong but on the other end..how sad...but hey at least I dunno who they were but I'd be hurt if it were in my inner circle. Thank you TM for those who said positive things about me, it really does mean a lot to me. Anyways enough of that.

Summer is about half way over. I need more beach time. Can't wait for vegas. Can't wait for the season to be over so I can just rest my mind and get ready to do it all over again. I continue to grow stronger everyday. I am remembering what made me so strong couple of years ago. Well its the last turn into the final stretch. Just gotta hang in there.